The Opposite of Love

So, I never wanted to be that person that is heartbroken and all they can do is talk about it. Yet, here I am, heartbroken and struggling with the question most single girls ask themselves, is, "Will I ever find that perfect person?" and find that is all I can talk about, it seems to have consumed me. So I figured what better way to get it out there, then to put it in writing.

I read a book recently that stated over and over again that the opposite of Love is not hate, it's indifference. I cannot tell you how true I have found that to be. In my current state, where I can honestly say that I was in Love and now facing a break-up, I am going through a cycle of sorts. There are days where I am really angry. I feel outraged and have this unbelievable desire to lash out. Then I have days where I am hurt, in tears and I cannot seem to do anything by dwell on my loneliness and feelings of despair. And, then I have days where I get a little excited about what new may come my way. What new things may be in store for me.

Today, I am not indifferent, but I am ready. I am ready for this cycle to be over. I am ready to be able to move on and move forward. All these feelings and emotions that I am feeling have made me question if I was really in Love, or if I was in Love with the idea of what I had. But, put simply, it was Love. I wouldn't have all these emotions, I wouldn't be on the roller coaster I am if I didn't have Love for this person. I would just be indifferent and capable of moving on with no desire to look back. 

I don't know how what's next. I don't know what will come of all these emotions, but I do know that to discount the feelings I have by not allowing myself a healthy dose of them will never allow me to move forward in whatever direction I find is best for myself.

Popularity 101

First let me preface this with, maybe this only comes with unlimited friends and some sort of popularity and an even more abundant amount of money, nevertheless... I just finished reading the book One Fifth Avenue by Candace Bushnell, there is a character in the book that decides one day to start a blog, just talking about her everyday thoughts and life experiences, not much unlike what I had envisioned when I started this little experiment. She posts one blog and all of NYC knows about it. Then a few more posts and it's all over the papers and the rest of the Internet about her blog. How does one go about getting that kind of attention? I opened up my blog and saw my sorry count of 6 followers. I always knew I wasn't a great sells woman, and probably an even worse "blogger" but sometime I go to write a blog and figure, I might as well be writing in my own secret diary, because the honest reality is, who reads it? How does one get to Perez Hilton status?

Finding Happiness

A while I was hanging out with a friend who was visiting in town. I had the pleasure of being with her entire family. They all seemed so happy. It was so refreshing to be around them. There was such an amazing spirit in their home. Later, I told my friend how great it was see them and that I can only hope to find myself so happy some day. Her response made me think. She said that I can be as happy as I want to be.

I've really thought about it a lot lately and realized how true that statement was. I have officially decided to make that happen for myself. I need to really look inside myself and find what is genuinely important to me.

I need to make a point to spend as much time with my family as possible, make my daughter feel loved every day and work with her on learning good values and treating people with kindness.

This is my start at finding happiness for myself. It will never happen if I wait for it to happen to me. I am on my quest.

An Inspiration

I just found an article on a childhood friend who is doing something so amazing to me.
I cannot belive how giving this is, and is such an inspiration to me. I wish I could only find the time and the energy to do something so great. Take the time to read.

52 Weeks of Free Art

A Bad Day

A co-worker of mine came in the other day with dark circles under her eyes and looked rather upset. When I questioned her about how she was doing, she said, "I just had a bad night." I could tell by her tone that she wasn't interested in expressing more then just that. I told her, "Everyone has those every once in awhile. It's normal. It's only a problem when they are more then just every once in awhile."

I've thought a lot about this simple statement I made to her. It is such a simple concept yet is rarely my point of view. It is easy to blow a simple bad day out of proportion as well as breeze over the frequent bad days.

My tendency is to give excuses for having too many bad days and ignoring the signs that things are headed in a bad direction for me. It isn't until things to get the point that it is a serious downward spiral of continuous bad days that I actually pay attention to what has been going on all along. Then it's a question of, "How do I make it stop?".

Paying attention to my feelings, and emotions and looking at the reality of what is going on, "Is this a one time occurrence? Do I have the ability to control this situation from here on out? Is this acceptable behaviour (for me to behave this way, or for the other party(s)" If I could stop and look at these things along the way and evaluate the situation as it is happening, I could prevent a lot of heartache, and turmoil in the future. When I make excuses, it is rarely to protect myself, but to protect the idea that things WILL be fine, that they WILL work out. It is avoiding the effort it takes to create a healthy life for myself, emotionally and physically, in the hope that it will "work it's self out".

I have found with the things that mean the most to me, it is rarely the case that it "works it's self out". It means a lot to me for a reason, and in order for those things to remain important to me, it take work and a lot of effort to ensure they are the best for me.

Over analyzing a single bad day take a lot of energy, but not letting those bad days compound is worth the effort. Give them the attention that is needed in relative terms and work to prevent the same bad day to repeat it's self frequently in the future. Always moving forward. If I stop making excuses for everything that happens and give it the appropriate value, that is energy well worth my while.

Owning yourself if different then owning your emotions

I've come to realize that emotions, in general sad, hurt, and angry emotions, are seen as a sign of weakness. Are they? Are they a sign that you let people break you down and don't have self confidence enough to brush it off? Most people are going to feel the effects of hurtful actions or words, it's a matter of how it is reflected to others that seems to be judged in one way or another.

It's ok to hurt, it's ok to feel emotions. The natural human response is natural for a reason. Its a way of healing or dealing. When you don't allow these things to come out that is when we, as humans, find unnatural and unhealthy ways to deal with emotions.

Being strong enough to cry, even when you don't want anyone to see you, is probably a stronger reaction then to pretend that everything is "just fine". There is fear there, though. That your emotions will not be understood or judged as something other then you intend.

Trust me, when you live in a world that tears and feelings create an environment of hostility and anger, it is hard to feel free to let them out. Don't loose yourself in what others may think of you and your feelings. Let them out! Be you, no matter the consequence. If they don't like those things about you, then your better off without them in your life. They will only hold you back from becoming you. From learning and growing.

The New-ness

In the beginning you have that permanent smile. The one that no one, no matter what can turn off. You have that innate desire to always be around that person, just to be in their presence is enough. The butterflies, the giddiness. Its a great feeling.

And then it's not new, its just great. Your learning so much about each other, and learning if you want to be with that person forever. Your learning their quirks, and actually enjoy them, you think they are cute and create such a personality.

Then, it just seems like another day. This person has been with you for awhile, and the "new-ness" has worn off. So how do you keep it going? Growing? How do you not get bored with each other and get annoyed with their idiosyncrasies?

This is a post, I don't have an answer to. Hopefully the answer is, when it's real love, you just do it. It just works. But, honestly, I don't think it just is. I think it's work. It can be really hard. But how do we get past the hard stage? I could use some direction. Although, I'm not sure there is true direction, other then plow through it with a strong heart and the same desire you had in the beginning.