Saturday, September 4, 2010

Owning yourself if different then owning your emotions


I've come to realize that emotions, in general sad, hurt, and angry emotions, are seen as a sign of weakness. Are they? Are they a sign that you let people break you down and don't have self confidence enough to brush it off? Most people are going to feel the effects of hurtful actions or words, it's a matter of how it is reflected to others that seems to be judged in one way or another.

It's ok to hurt, it's ok to feel emotions. The natural human response is natural for a reason. Its a way of healing or dealing. When you don't allow these things to come out that is when we, as humans, find unnatural and unhealthy ways to deal with emotions.

Being strong enough to cry, even when you don't want anyone to see you, is probably a stronger reaction then to pretend that everything is "just fine". There is fear there, though. That your emotions will not be understood or judged as something other then you intend.

Trust me, when you live in a world that tears and feelings create an environment of hostility and anger, it is hard to feel free to let them out. Don't loose yourself in what others may think of you and your feelings. Let them out! Be you, no matter the consequence. If they don't like those things about you, then your better off without them in your life. They will only hold you back from becoming you. From learning and growing.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The New-ness


In the beginning you have that permanent smile. The one that no one, no matter what can turn off. You have that innate desire to always be around that person, just to be in their presence is enough. The butterflies, the giddiness. Its a great feeling.

And then it's not new, its just great. Your learning so much about each other, and learning if you want to be with that person forever. Your learning their quirks, and actually enjoy them, you think they are cute and create such a personality.

Then, it just seems like another day. This person has been with you for awhile, and the "new-ness" has worn off. So how do you keep it going? Growing? How do you not get bored with each other and get annoyed with their idiosyncrasies?

This is a post, I don't have an answer to. Hopefully the answer is, when it's real love, you just do it. It just works. But, honestly, I don't think it just is. I think it's work. It can be really hard. But how do we get past the hard stage? I could use some direction. Although, I'm not sure there is true direction, other then plow through it with a strong heart and the same desire you had in the beginning.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Are you the Best Version of Yourself?


In any one's life there are people that bring out the best in you and there are people that bring out the worst in you. Are you surrounding yourself with people that bring out the best in you? That help create the best version of yourself?

When I first moved out of my parents house and moved to Utah I found exactly the opposite of what I had expected. I started dating a guy who was very controlling and seemed to always bring out the worst in me. Yet, I couldn't seem to find the confidence to walk away.

I remember we could be doing something as simple as sitting and watching TV and a pretty girl could come on the TV and I was told everything about myself that didn't make me as pretty as this girl on TV. And it just seemed to escalate from there. I was so lost as to who I was at the point that I met him, that I allowed him to shape who I was. I became very self conscious about every part of me and everything I did. I started working out a ton. I could spend hour after hour at the gym working out, in hopes that this man would someday see a glimpse of something pretty in me, so I didn't have to listen to how pretty I wasn't, but maybe I could hear a compliment.

This man created the worst version of me. It seems like I could not recover from him, even long after I finally found the courage to leave him. Almost as if I couldn't move away from this person he had created in me. I continued to surround myself with people who brought out that same person in me.

It took a long time for me to realize that the people that you surround yourself directly affect your own self worth. Find people who make you want to become better, not because they don't like the person you are but because you are striving for a better self worth, everyday. They promote happiness within yourself.

Look at the people around you, the relationships you have with people, your significant other, do they make you want to be a better person. Do they bring you up, or bring you down. Are you becoming the best version of yourself. Think about your actions or changes that you want to make in your life and see if there is a direct connection to the way people are treating you. Become better because you want to better, not because you are not what people expect you to be.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

How do you fix something you didn't want to break?

It seems like there are so many times in life that you break something, knowingly or unknowingly and then once you decide you want to fix it, its too late.

Trust! It's inevitable that once you loose someones trust it's hard to gain it back. In my eating disorder I lost a lot of people's trust. I did things I cannot even believe I did to people who meant the most to mean. I know that even the lies such as telling everyone that I was in control of myself made them loose trust in me, as it was plain to see I was not in control of my eating disorder. Once I got out of treatment I felt like if I ate a meal and went to the restroom afterward that I would get eyes looking at me just waiting to fall back into my old ways. When my intentions were nothing of the sort! I wanted to be better, I wanted people to believe that I wanted to be better.

I had tons of support, more than I could have asked for! But it still felt like those eyes waiting for me to mess up.

So I just kept on trying to prove that I wasn't going to mess up! I didn't mess up. I am healthy and happy that I'm healthy. I still have weak moments, but not a moment that made me want to go back!

So, take this into everyday little things. How do you prove that even though one day you may have messed up, that today is different? People just waiting for it to happen, almost to the point that they push that on you as if you did.

I say, let them! Let them try and believe that you can't do it. Because one day, after so many times of it being yourself that was wrong, they will be wrong. They will see your true intentions. They will see what you really believe and believe you for what you say. They will stop trying to see things that aren't there and making things that don't exhist. They will have no choice.

It hurts to not be trusted, but sometimes we do that to ourselves. Just take it in, and believe it. Believe it will change. Believe that you have the ability to make it change. Smile! Everyday! Even when it hurts! Because someday it will all come true! It will come naturally! There is no reason to believe its not possible to fix things you didn't mean to break! Just believe it will happen!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Are you weathered or broken?


Weathered:

I lived in Downtown St. Louis for several years, in fact, that is where my daughter was born. The neighborhood I lived in for a year or so was less then appealing to most. I would even venture to say that it was a scary neighborhood. By this point I had seen enough negative things and been exposed to enough that it didn't seem to phase me that on a regular basis you could hear gun shots at night, drive through the neighborhood to see drug raids through near by drug houses. It was a high crime area.

One day I was sitting at a stop light a few blocks from my apartment and witnessed a young man get shot. As I sat at the stop light, the first thought I had was not "RUN!" it was, "Is a shooting like a car accident? Am I supposed to stop and be a witness?" As i watched and thought, the light turned green and I continued my journey to the grocery store as if nothing unusual had just happened right in front of my eyes.

Broken:

Going to years and years of counseling the term "trigger" was used a lot. A trigger being something, whether it be a sight, sound, smell, any thing that will trigger a certin memory or event in your life.

For most of my eating disorder I was considered an anerexic, but by after a year or so of sticking to a strick 200 calorie diet, my body craved food so bad I just had to eat... EVERYTHING! Thats when I entered the balemic anorexic phase. I would binge and binge and binge and then purge everything I just had.

I was working at the Wal-mart bakery at this point, and I remember so many times I would sit there and stuff my face with a whole dozen donuts fresh out of the fryer after work and then purge all of.

Too this day, when I see, smell or think about those donuts it brings me right back to that time in my life, a time I never hope to return to.

HOW DO YOU LET EVENTS EFFECT YOU?

I look back at these two times in my life and now I can make light of them because it seems so far in my past, and a time and place I never want to revisit, but they are burnt in my memory.

People often take events and carry them their whole life, which is natural. The real question is how do they affect the rest of your life. Do you let them weather you? Or break you? Neither is a heathy solution. Either you stop caring completely, or you let the fear overwhelm you and can't seem to face your "triggers" without feeling the original emotion.

Really, any event should be what it is, an event. Learn, grow realize who you don't want to be, or who you want to become, but don't let mistakes or judgement errors consume your life. This is something I am still working on. An event or tramatic event only has as much value as you give it.

Not to say that you may not have been hurt, or felt completely lost during the event but as we move on or away from that time, let that event's value stay in its own time. Otherwise the burdien will never be lightened and the event will always bogg your mind, thoughts and actions with the "what if's" and the idea that you can't handle it again.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Fearing the future



Fear is something that can inhibit everyone from doing certain things throughout their life.
Fear is something that at times can be used as a tool but a lot of times it is just a crutch. Pain and suffering, injury or failures in life may be the root of the fear, to avoid these things from happening. The truth is as much as we hold onto this fear these things are still possible and will still happen. It’s the fear that prevents us from getting past being hurt or suffering, the idea that we will have to go through this again is something no one wants to face. But it will happen, it’s a part of life. Not one person is able to completely avoid this.

The thing that you can control is you can give yourself the confidence to know that whatever life gives you, whatever hard times you go through, you will always be able to deal with it. There is nothing that life will hand you that you cannot conquer and deal with.

There has been so many times in my life that I felt like if one more bad thing happens to me I will not be able to make it through it. But when I look back at everything that I have been through and everything I have dealt with, I am so much better and so much stronger. I now know what I don’t want in my life, what I want in my life, and most importantly I have been able to deal with all of it.

I know that there are healthy ways of dealing with trials and unhealthy and although I may not always chosen the best way to deal with it, I am still here, I am still a strong person and everyday I am still able to smile because I have been given so much more then has been taken away from me. Fear of never fulfilling my dreams and ideals of what I wanted my life to be at times consume me. But focusing on the good and the idea that not everything in life is as bad as it seems. Focusing less on the bad that I have been through and more on the goodness that it has brought me to see in life can always prevent these thoughts from bringing me into despair.

Fear can either hold you back or it can show you where you need to focus energy. Face your fears, realize that there is nothing that you cannot handle or do, and you will feel a much stronger sense of self fulfillment, because you dealt with fear and it no longer holds you back.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

It's just a start...

I'm not really sure how to start, except that this is the beginning of something that I hope will reach as many people as I can. I feel like my life has been filled with many trials and hardships, not to say that every person has the free will to choose their own paths and some of my choices definitely effected the amount of trials I have encountered. But through pain and suffering and hard times can always be found some sort of lesson. I have learned many lessons in life and feel like maybe something that I learned will guide others or just offer some sort of comfort. I don't have an MD, I don't have a great college education or proffesional training, just the advice I've been given and things I've observed and realized to rely on. The things that I hope to write about will simply be my own thoughts and perspective.

In short I would like to start with my background. I grew up in a small city in Colorado where I had great, loving parents. I have three brothers and one sister, who is my twin. First of all, let me say, being a twin has been a blessing and a trial all at the same time. My sister has become that person that I can always trust will love and understand me. But growing up as a twin it creates somewhat of an "identy crisis". It is a general thought that we are just the same. The reality is me and my sister are so similar and have a lot of "twin" traits is scary, but so opposite at times. It may have been hard growing up and there were times it was very difficult to discover who I truly was, compaired to what "we" were. Looking back I wouldn't wish it to be any other way. My twin is now my constant. My other half I can always turn to.

Life in Loveland, the city I grew up in, couldn't have been better as a child. As I look back I couldn't have wish for more from my parents and surroundings. When I finally grew up and moved away from my "comfort" I realized exactly how simple and easy things were for me growing up. I moved away from my parents at 19 to go figure out what I needed in life. Life grew tough and I didn't know how to react. After only a couple of years on my own I found myself so overwhelmed with issues that I hope most people never expierience the only thing my conscious mind knew to do was turn to an addiction. For me, that was an eating disorder. I lived this life far too long and found myself unable to take care of myself. My parents and I decided that rehab was the only option I had at that point. Was in an inpatient facilty for women with eating disorders for nearly 4 months. Which saved my life. Since then I have gone on not to be great and make only great decisions, but to further incounter more hardships and trials. I am still a young person at 27 and still making my own mistakes, but I would never change any of this as it has changed my entire perspective on how to deal with life.

I now live as a single mother raising my three year old daughter and although it is the most difficult thing I have ever done, I love every minute of it and wouldn't change it for the world! I only hope that every person out there who has been desperate for an answer that maybe I may be able to offer a shoulder of support. This blog is my story, my thoughts, my inspirations, and hopfully will help myself to continue to heal as well.