How do you fix something you didn't want to break?

It seems like there are so many times in life that you break something, knowingly or unknowingly and then once you decide you want to fix it, its too late.

Trust! It's inevitable that once you loose someones trust it's hard to gain it back. In my eating disorder I lost a lot of people's trust. I did things I cannot even believe I did to people who meant the most to mean. I know that even the lies such as telling everyone that I was in control of myself made them loose trust in me, as it was plain to see I was not in control of my eating disorder. Once I got out of treatment I felt like if I ate a meal and went to the restroom afterward that I would get eyes looking at me just waiting to fall back into my old ways. When my intentions were nothing of the sort! I wanted to be better, I wanted people to believe that I wanted to be better.

I had tons of support, more than I could have asked for! But it still felt like those eyes waiting for me to mess up.

So I just kept on trying to prove that I wasn't going to mess up! I didn't mess up. I am healthy and happy that I'm healthy. I still have weak moments, but not a moment that made me want to go back!

So, take this into everyday little things. How do you prove that even though one day you may have messed up, that today is different? People just waiting for it to happen, almost to the point that they push that on you as if you did.

I say, let them! Let them try and believe that you can't do it. Because one day, after so many times of it being yourself that was wrong, they will be wrong. They will see your true intentions. They will see what you really believe and believe you for what you say. They will stop trying to see things that aren't there and making things that don't exhist. They will have no choice.

It hurts to not be trusted, but sometimes we do that to ourselves. Just take it in, and believe it. Believe it will change. Believe that you have the ability to make it change. Smile! Everyday! Even when it hurts! Because someday it will all come true! It will come naturally! There is no reason to believe its not possible to fix things you didn't mean to break! Just believe it will happen!

Are you weathered or broken?

Weathered:

I lived in Downtown St. Louis for several years, in fact, that is where my daughter was born. The neighborhood I lived in for a year or so was less then appealing to most. I would even venture to say that it was a scary neighborhood. By this point I had seen enough negative things and been exposed to enough that it didn't seem to phase me that on a regular basis you could hear gun shots at night, drive through the neighborhood to see drug raids through near by drug houses. It was a high crime area.

One day I was sitting at a stop light a few blocks from my apartment and witnessed a young man get shot. As I sat at the stop light, the first thought I had was not "RUN!" it was, "Is a shooting like a car accident? Am I supposed to stop and be a witness?" As i watched and thought, the light turned green and I continued my journey to the grocery store as if nothing unusual had just happened right in front of my eyes.

Broken:

Going to years and years of counseling the term "trigger" was used a lot. A trigger being something, whether it be a sight, sound, smell, any thing that will trigger a certin memory or event in your life.

For most of my eating disorder I was considered an anerexic, but by after a year or so of sticking to a strick 200 calorie diet, my body craved food so bad I just had to eat... EVERYTHING! Thats when I entered the balemic anorexic phase. I would binge and binge and binge and then purge everything I just had.

I was working at the Wal-mart bakery at this point, and I remember so many times I would sit there and stuff my face with a whole dozen donuts fresh out of the fryer after work and then purge all of.

Too this day, when I see, smell or think about those donuts it brings me right back to that time in my life, a time I never hope to return to.

HOW DO YOU LET EVENTS EFFECT YOU?

I look back at these two times in my life and now I can make light of them because it seems so far in my past, and a time and place I never want to revisit, but they are burnt in my memory.

People often take events and carry them their whole life, which is natural. The real question is how do they affect the rest of your life. Do you let them weather you? Or break you? Neither is a heathy solution. Either you stop caring completely, or you let the fear overwhelm you and can't seem to face your "triggers" without feeling the original emotion.

Really, any event should be what it is, an event. Learn, grow realize who you don't want to be, or who you want to become, but don't let mistakes or judgement errors consume your life. This is something I am still working on. An event or tramatic event only has as much value as you give it.

Not to say that you may not have been hurt, or felt completely lost during the event but as we move on or away from that time, let that event's value stay in its own time. Otherwise the burdien will never be lightened and the event will always bogg your mind, thoughts and actions with the "what if's" and the idea that you can't handle it again.

Fearing the future

Fear is something that can inhibit everyone from doing certain things throughout their life.
Fear is something that at times can be used as a tool but a lot of times it is just a crutch. Pain and suffering, injury or failures in life may be the root of the fear, to avoid these things from happening. The truth is as much as we hold onto this fear these things are still possible and will still happen. It’s the fear that prevents us from getting past being hurt or suffering, the idea that we will have to go through this again is something no one wants to face. But it will happen, it’s a part of life. Not one person is able to completely avoid this.

The thing that you can control is you can give yourself the confidence to know that whatever life gives you, whatever hard times you go through, you will always be able to deal with it. There is nothing that life will hand you that you cannot conquer and deal with.

There has been so many times in my life that I felt like if one more bad thing happens to me I will not be able to make it through it. But when I look back at everything that I have been through and everything I have dealt with, I am so much better and so much stronger. I now know what I don’t want in my life, what I want in my life, and most importantly I have been able to deal with all of it.

I know that there are healthy ways of dealing with trials and unhealthy and although I may not always chosen the best way to deal with it, I am still here, I am still a strong person and everyday I am still able to smile because I have been given so much more then has been taken away from me. Fear of never fulfilling my dreams and ideals of what I wanted my life to be at times consume me. But focusing on the good and the idea that not everything in life is as bad as it seems. Focusing less on the bad that I have been through and more on the goodness that it has brought me to see in life can always prevent these thoughts from bringing me into despair.

Fear can either hold you back or it can show you where you need to focus energy. Face your fears, realize that there is nothing that you cannot handle or do, and you will feel a much stronger sense of self fulfillment, because you dealt with fear and it no longer holds you back.